Timeline: April 06 07:30:00
Oh, it’s morning… I’m alive…sweet merciful God I’m alive. In fact I slept quite well…Maybe the panic is over….

Timeline: April 06 07:35:00
I have turned on the radio and it feels like the walls have come crashing down…It was not a dream. John Humphreys on Radio 4 is talking in his usual measured tones….the man is such a professional…A swan has died of a virus, possibly H5N1, possibly not…in Scotland - in a place called Cellardyke, somewhere near Fife…Fife? That’s only about five hundred miles from me…I need advice….

Timeline: April 06 08:00:00
WHEN WILL THEY TELL ME WHAT TO DO? I have a child, a girlfriend, an ex-wife…my grandmother is 98 and she only lives three hundred miles from Fife…and there are swans in her town too…I can hear sparrows on the garage roof just outside my window: why, oh why, did I put bread out for them yesterday?…I could have brought death into my house…

Timeline: April 06 08:00:30
More news…at last…why did they keep me waiting?…It’s definitely a swan, and it’s definitely dead…it’s been floating in the sea for days…my God, the sea must be just swimming with viruses…the beautiful, clean blue sea has been polluted with dead swan viruses…if I survive this I will never swim in the sea again…

Timeline: April 06 08:01:00
There’s a man on now saying they’re not sure what strain of H5 it is…why does that matter?…It’s a virus…it could change…I had so much I wanted to do before I died…he’s saying that it’s still okay to eat chickens as long as they’re cooked properly…okay, that’s good anyway…and eggs - the poultry industry is still okay…thank Heavens the poultry industry is still okay…

Timeline: April 06 08:01:30
Now there’s a man from the RSPB wanting to know what sort of swan it is…what sort it is? Who cares what sort it is - it’s a dead one that’s what sort…A Mute or a Whooper…what on earth is he on about? Something to do with residents and migrants and Iceland…bloody twitchers…get it through your head A SWAN HAS DIED!!!!!!!

Timeline: April 06 08:01:50
John Humphrys is talking again…he’s asking an expert what would happen if the virus mutated and got into the West End of London…he asks, “people could start dropping like ninepins?”…the expert seems confused by the question…WHY? Just how much of an expert is this man? he seems to know absolutely nothing…Should I go to the West End of London or not? Why won’t someone tell me…it’s only 100 miles away…I feel surrounded…

Timeline: April 06 08:02:30
They’re interviewing a man whose garden overlooks the sea where the swan was found…I don’t understand why he’s not in hospital?…Maybe there are resistant people out there…Omega Men…I hope I’m one of them…the interviewer is asking the man if he’s scared…That’s such a dumb question…OF COURSE HE’S SCARED…Oh, he’s not scared really…maybe just a bit…How much did the BBC have to pay the interviewer to go to Scotland…what a brave man…

Timeline: April 06 08:03:00
Another expert…it’s definitely okay to eat chickens as long as they’re cooked…We’re told not to let wild swans get into our chicken flocks…they get into those big sheds where all the chickens are kept locked up? Who knew…Now they’re saying that vaccinations are good…oh, not good…oh, possibly good…WHICH IS IT? Someone make sense of this nightmare - PLEASE…

Timeline: April 06 08:03:15
More British troops are being sent to Afghanistan…what? Afghanistan - what has that got to do with chickens and swans and people dying…that’s not news…Who cares about Afghanistan or Iraq…I’m scared…please let me live through today…………………………

Timeline: April 06 10:00:00
I’m still alive.

Timeline: April 06 11:00:00
I’m still alive - but I coughed a while ago. It could have been a bit of toast stuck in my throat - but it might be a virus, who knows…

Timeline: April 06 12:03:00
More information…and it’s not good. There’s an expert on Radio 4 explaining that there are two forms of swans in Denmark and one of them is called a “Song Swan”. What’s that? I’ve never heard of it! I could have touched one and not known it. Are they just in Denmark?…

Timeline: April 06 12:04:00
There’s an expert on from the British Veterinary Association saying that we shouldn’t panic. She says that the flu virus has been found in thirteen countries in Europe but it hasn’t spread beyond a few birds. She says that as long as we don’t touch dead birds we’ll be okay, and that we should remember that it’s been a hard winter so birds do die anyway…that’s okay for her to say, she’s probably had an armful of anti-flu jabs and probably won’t go near a dead bird anyway, sitting in an office all day or doing interviews…WHAT ABOUT US ORDINARY PEOPLE? We have to go out shopping, or to the doctor’s…we can’t avoid animals unlike these bloody vets…

Timeline: April 06 12:04:30
Now they’re talking about domain names and the internet. Are they mad? A swan has died in Scotland…why are they talking about anything else?

Timeline: April 06 12:05:00
I’m still alive…you can mail me at “scaredasHell.com”……oh no, I think I just saw a swan fly overhead…or a starling, I’m not sure which…why don’t they just go away and leave me alone…I think I’m going mad………….

Timeline: April 06 13:00:30
I’m still alive…but I’m in shock. IT IS H5N1. There are experts on the radio and on the TV and all over the place…but at least we can all eat chicken still…I may die, but I won’t be hungry when I go…They’re saying there should be a 3km exclusion zone around the dead swan…to Hell with that, put an exclusion zone around Scotland…

Timeline: April 06 13:01:30
I’m still listening to the radio, but I’ve just phoned every airline I can think of telling them not to let potentially virus-laden planes fly in or out of this Cellardyke place…apparently there is no airport in Cellardyke…okay, maybe there isn’t, but I felt I had to do SOMETHING! One of them asked what I was talking about - don’t airlines have radios?

Timeline: April 06 13:02:00
They’ve just put up a map of Europe showing where Cellardyke is and where all the other infections in Europe have been: I never knew France was so bloody close. I really am surrounded…

Timeline: April 06 13:02:00
Now some expert is saying we shouldn’t over-react and we shouldn’t poke birds nests out of bushes or knock Stork nests off our chimneys…fair enough, but if a bloody swan nests on my roof it’s getting “poked”…

Timeline: April 06 13:02:30
Great, now there’s an expert saying that we shouldn’t worry but that millions of us could die…maybe they’ll put up a plaque in Cellardyke saying “Armageddon Began Here”…mind you, who will be around to make it…or read it for that matter?

Timeline: April 06 13:03:30
God, they’ve changed the subject again. Don’t they realise how scared we are out here? Apparently a bomb has gone off in Iraq. A bomb? Big deal - they think they’ve got problems - they want to try living with bird flu …

Timeline: April 06 14:00
Still alive.

Timeline: April 06 15:00
Still alive - - but only just. I’m losing weight I’m sure of it…

Timeline: April 06 16:00
Still alive - bored, but still alive…

Timeline: April 06 17:00
The news will soon be on again. I can’t listen to the relentless message they’re giving me. So many experts…Life has changed forever…One day I was safe, going birding, feeling fine, and now I’m surrounded by illness and viruses…where have they come from, these viruses…what are they…why have I never seen one before? It seems like the world is not the pleasant place I thought it was… thank God for the experts, if it wasn’t for them I’d have probably just carried on in ignorance not worrying in the slightest, not scared, not remotely concerned that the poultry industry might be about to suffer terribly…this is a cruel, cruel world…Oh no, the news is on again…I can’t bear to listen any longer…I just can’t bear to listen to them going on and on and on ………………