Looking for a powerful but discrete lens for your DSLR? You know the sort of thing - something you can ‘attach and forget’, tuck into a coat pocket to protect it from the weather, something that won’t draw attention to you as you creep up on that rarity for that ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ shot?

Sigma APO 200-500mm F2.8 lens - yours for around a very reasonable USD7000…

Perhaps this newly-released monster from Sigma isn’t what you’re looking for then. Handy as a club if you’re unfortunate enough to get into a fight, and weighing in at a spine-crushing 35lbs (almost 16kg - about the same as a medium-size dog!), Sigma’s obviously decided not to embrace the ‘ultra-portable’ ethic that is all the rage amongst eg camera and computer manufacturers. It is designed to be ‘fast’ though, enabling the Rambo-esque, “It’s just a protein-shake, officer” drinking photographer it’s designed for to take photos in near-darkness (apparently)…According to the blurb accompanying the illustrations of this new lens, it “is stated by Sigma as being the world’s first Ultra-Telephoto Zoom Lens that offers an impressively fast F2.8 maximum aperture through its range. The lens also features an LCD panel with a readout of focal length and subject distance. If 500 mm isn’t enough reach a dedicated 2x Tele Converter is supplied with the lens as standard and changes it into a 400 - 1000 mm F5.6.“.

Might be useful if you’re looking to prove conclusively that the next moon landing is fake or genuine by taking pictures of the astronauts jumping around the lunar surface I suppose…

Mind you this massive piece of equipment is just a toy next to the lens I once dreamt about owning during my days of wanting to photograph birds in other countries WHILE I was still at home: take a look at the tanker-sized and frankly daft Canon EF 1200mm lens.

Canon EF 1200mm F5.6L lens - big, very big…

No longer produced, the initial price for this complex collection of metal and finely-ground glass was a mind-boggling USD 89,579. “Sports Illustrated” magazine apparently own two of the dozen or so that were made…moving closer to the ball or the player not being an option perhaps? Weighing in at roughly the same as the Sigma, the Canon lens came with its own heavy-duty tripod (for those wimps not macho enough to use it hand-held I expect), and was built only by request. Nothing within 46′/14m would come into focus, and unless you took your own spotlight rig with you to illuminate the subject every photo you took would look like the inky depths of the inside of a tin of black paint (I may have that last bit wrong, but it’s clearly not a lens for a cloudy day….)

Sigma APO 200-500mm or Canon EF 1200mm? You know, I’ll probably stick to the relatively tiny Canon 100-400mm L lens I’ve been using for a while now. I may actually have to go abroad to photograph birds rather than point it out of the window towards neighbouring States, but at least it packs away into my hand-luggage and I don’t need hospitalisation after carrying it around all day…